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Breaking up is hard to do. If you’ve ever experienced one, you know just how hard they can be to truly get over. It doesn’t matter whether you’re the one being dumped or the dumper, separating from the one you loved and seen yourself marrying one day feels heart wrenching. When women love, we love with everything we’ve got. You may have just recently broken up with your most recent boyfriend/girlfriend and still feel down about how things ended. You may have a close friend or family member who is in this predicament. Reading this can help you or a loved one to gain a different perspective on the current situation. I’ve been where you are and serve as proof it will pass. The light at the end of the tunnel for you is that I am committed to coaching you back to feeling amazing. Listed below are the three most common reasons relationships end.
1. You decided to end things.
2. He decided to end things.
3. You both mutually decided that it was best to call it quits.
I’ve decided to separately address each scenario, so feel free to read them all through to the end or skip right to the situation that applies to you.
Scenario One: You decided to end things
First, I’d like to congratulate you on having the strength to end a non-satisfying relationship. Deciding to call it quits in situations you aren’t happy in is never to be regretted. It proves that you are a woman who is aware and in touch with her self-worth. You are not the kind of woman who will compromise her happiness for anyone and that’s BOSS! What’s important is staying focused on yourself and your needs.The temptation to backslide and return to the ex can often present itself. The key thing to do when this happens is to write a list of all the things you wanted that you didn’t get and another of what you got instead. When creating these two separate lists be as specific with the details as possible. Notice how much of a gap there is between the two. This gap is how far your happiness was from ever becoming a reality. Refer to this list anytime you feel unsure about your decision. Be confident that you made the right decision that was in your best interest. During this time surround yourself with positive, uplifting people to take your mind off things. STAY BUSY! It’s when you have nothing to do that the urge to question yourself comes up. You taking the time to learn from this proves you are ambitious, success focused and committed to finding new ways to improve your current situation. My words are powerless without the help of your action. Spend your time doing things you always wanted to but weren’t able to try because your ex maybe hated them or judged you for doing them. This can serve as your release from his mental bondage. Create a bucket list and start working towards living the life that will attract the man you are destined to be with.
What to do if he won’t accept that it’s over:
This is such a common and expected reaction of men who were in the wrong. It’s easy for a woman in an emotional state to be swayed into going back as he relentlessly professes his undying love. If the relationship was truly toxic, this may be the first time since you met him that he has ever showered you with this much consistent attention. It may lead you to believe that this could be the new him and that if you return there will be more of this new him to experience. Unfortunately the harsh reality is if he hasn’t been this way in a normal situation, it’s likely he won’t be once you return. Abnormal amounts of calling, grovelling, crying and begging isn’t healthy or stable behavior to anticipate. In this situation, discontinuing further contact-he will get the message. If you work together or live relatively close and distance is more of a challenge, be firm and tell him to respect your decision. If the harassment gets out of hand you have two options left:
1. Tell a mutual friend of his to communicate that the relationship is really over. Getting into the details and rehashing the past isn’t the purpose of this interaction. Chose a friend you know he would never want to look stupid in front of, someone he respects. If no such person exists, chose the friend or person in his life you are convinced really never liked you. They will do a fantastic job of using your request as ammunition to convince him to stay away from you. Haters will always work hard and overtime without pay. Use this to your advantage. Chances are his friend will man talk him back to sense and his pride will prevent further contact. It’s a mild form of humiliation and only to be used with men who don’t have a history of violence. More ideal for the men who have high self-esteem and value their reputations with their friends.
2. If you feel threatened, scared, uncomfortable or worried he is likely to harm you report the incident to your local authorities. A restraining order can be put in place which legally prevents him from coming into contact with you. A violation of this order will lead to imprisonment.
In reality we’d all prefer to not go to such extreme measures to have our decision to end a relationship respected, but some men aren’t respectful. Hopefully through this experience you can rest assured you definitely made the best decision to end things.
Scenario Two: He decided to end things.
Being dumped always hurts no matter who you are. You may be really shocked because you didn’t see it coming and still see hope in the relationship. What’s important in order for you to get over this is to be respectful of his decision. It may be next to impossible when emotional and heartbroken to think objectively, but you must for your own protection. One thing I know is that breaking up with a woman for a man is one of the hardest things to do. Most skip the process and altogether disappear without a trace Osama Bin Laden style. Even worse than that is when a man physically stays but mentally checks out. This usually leads to infidelity and a passionless relationship. When you think about it, his maturity to tell you directly that it is over is much more respectable than any other way to end relationship. It’s easy to begin rationalizing that you must have been a horrible girlfriend and that it was entirely fault. You may even start thinking you are impossible to love and that you will be alone forever. These are self-defeating thoughts you must not accept as truths. Rightfully so, you may have been in the wrong a few times, but it still isn’t 100% your undoing of the relationship. You weren’t dating yourself; it was a union of two separate individuals. Every time you got into an argument it was over how he made you feel or worse didn’t. Keep that in mind. Relationships aren’t perfect but a relationship with two people who are committed to its stability won’t argue half as much. Right now is the time you need to refer back to your standards. Ask yourself the following questions:
- Has he tried to end it before, and did I cry, beg or manipulate him into staying?
- Did I abandon the life I lived once we got together?
- Did my friends like him? If not, why?
- Was this relationship what I said I was truly looking for?
- When with him did I feel like I could always be who I truly was without conforming to feel accepted?
- At this stage in my life, was this relationship actively helping me to accomplish my goals?
- How did he really make me feel most of the time?
- Did I get into this relationship to avoid feeling the pain of being alone after my last relationship ended?
- Did he love me? If yes, would someone truly in love want to end things?
- Did I spend as much time making myself successful and happy as I did obsessing about the relationship?
- Did he equally contribute to the maintenance of our relationship? Was there a point where I was left to do all the grunt work?
- Did I trust him? If not, why? (The answer is very important and needed to move on)
Take a few moments to answer these questions. Be as open and honest as possible to really discover the reality of what your relationship was. Too often when a relationship ends we sit, only focused on the “un -ending” it. By switching your focus to an objective analysis of the entire relationship, you can discover some answer to why it ended. Most men don’t have the balls to tell you the real reasons they left because they don’t want to hurt you. It’s easier to blame the last argument or all arguments collectively. By answering these questions you can move from an emotional state of assessment to a logical one.
What to do when you feel the urge to convince him to come back:
If there are times you feel the urge to contact him and convince him to take you back, STOP! One thing men can’t live without from a woman is her respect for him. The breakup was likely difficult for him to do and to not give him distance to get through things is selfish. It’s not to suggest that you two could never be on platonic talking terms, but let that be his decision. If he reaches out to you in the future and you’re open to it, be friends. If he chooses not to contact you, then it’s his loss. You aren’t Quasi Modo and if you could attract a man once you can do it again with finesse. You are beautiful and there is a man out there that believes leaving you is not an option. Focus on living a positive life that will eventually attract that kind of man to you.
Scenario Three: You both mutually decided that it was best to call it quits.
Sometimes this can be a tricky one. Often there was one of you who had too much pride to be the only one who didn’t want to end it. Either way whether that was you or not, I suggest reading the above scenarios to know how to handle the decision to end things. The relationships that end in a calm and mature manner often are easier to transition into friendships afterwards. I still suggest even if that’s an option to take considerable time apart to reflect and live your life. It’s hard to end a relationship with constant contact. There was a strong reason it didn’t work and it’s likely you both discussed it. Whether it was because commitment wasn’t’ happening, realizing you were seriously incompatible or just an inability to get over an obstacle, it ended respect that. Not every man you date will be the one. Some are brought into your life to prepare you to appreciate the one when he does come.
Regardless of the scenario that applies to you here are a few additional tips to assist you with getting over
your past and ready to embrace your future with open arms.
1. End all Communication.
2. Erase all traces of Him.
3. SAY NO! To the Emo playlist.
4. Stay busy and focused on your needs
5. Let it all out, ONCE.
6. Reconnect with those who love you
7. Turn to God for strength and guidance
8. Create a Bucket List and follow through.
9. Help others Less Fortunate.
10. Appreciate what you still have left.
11. Start a Business to dedicate your focus to.
12. Casually Date new people.
Written By: Natosh Monroe